July / Birthdays

birth, babies, bodies, breastfeeding

This month was a well of nostalgia. July always is. I am thrust back to the past, however hard I cling to the present. However hard I work I’m hurled with my broken nails into maudlin reminders. A month of anticipation and worry, niggling silliness. A week, two days, 24 hours until the anniversary of […]

25th July 2012

Guest post: birth story

birth, babies, bodies, breastfeeding

Here is the link to the birth story post I wrote for blogger The Mule. I discussed the emotions stirred up by recounting birth yesterday Her blog is on my blog roll and can be found here. She has always been supportive and kind to me, whilst producing a provocative, poetic, thought provoking body of […]

14th May 2012

Not in the mood to be mental (milking it)


I am travelling back from Edinburgh to London after a three days away for work. I don’t often blog on the go, so this is a new experience for me. Nevertheless I’m tired and grumpy and missing my boys. I’m totally in a snark, even though the trip in many ways feels like a success, […]

10th October 2011

Bad births

birth, babies, bodies, breastfeeding, depression

I know lots of pregnant women right now. I am so excited for all of them. Squealing, practically, for a couple. In that face-achey, find yourself smiling at nothing, can tell your eyes are sparkling, could well-up in a sympathetic hormonal fug for them way you do when someone, or several someones, who you love […]

16th August 2011

Small comforts

depression, hope

I’m not surprised Churchill referred to his depression as his ‘black dog’, because in my experience depression is the worst kind of bitch. Even when you are classed as ‘over it’, you can hear and smell it somewhere nearby, panting in the shadows, snuffling around and threatening to shit in your path. Earlier this week […]

24th March 2011

Either that tea towel goes or I do…

depression, hope

When Spider-boy was little he didn’t smile a lot. I used to think, in the dead of night, it was my fault for not smiling enough when he was tiny, a dread fear that I’d broken him by crying too much on my maternity leave. I’ve been persuaded he just had a bit of ‘tude, […]

15th March 2011

Lucky Stars

depression, hope

I realise I’ve posted a good bit about remembering – remembering the good and remembering the bad. I saw my Mum this week and she told me that memories faze and fade, and that everyone with larger families, or older children, has melded memories and has forgotten much of the minutiae of early family life. […]

20th February 2011

Little Red Books


Newborn went for his second set of jabs this week. On the way out I had to grab his little red book, which I’d lost and blogged about before. It was, with everything else missing in the world, in the shambles that is (was?) our dining room table. It didn’t fit into my changing bag. […]

17th February 2011

Glorious Forgetting

depression, family & parenting

Newborn continues to wake up. Both throughout the night, but also in the day. He holds his head, chin jutting out, eyes wide open, hungry for new sights. And he’s found a new way to call for me. Wailing, yes, of course but he’s started talking too. All delightful, glorious, babysqualk nonsense. Scribble talk. Frankie […]

12th February 2011

Moving Images


I love American Beauty. I remember seeing it with my then boyfriend, now husband and, knowing it would be a shoe in for best picture, planning an Oscar party. We transformed our flat with apple juice in sample pots in the fridge, scarlet (paper) petals in the sink and obscure home-made videos playing on our […]

8th February 2011